Weight Loss Reward: Progress So Far

At the start of the year (or more like the second start of the year since I used January as a practice month), I wrote myself out a weight loss reward chart to motivate me into losing the extra weight.

I know that some people say that bribing yourself into losing weight isn't the right way to go about things but honestly, I need all the motivation - bribed or otherwise - to get myself off my ass and losing weight.

The problem is that I haven't changed anything in my diet or lifestyle to make myself this current weight.

I've always been a bit of a binge eater and the amount of sugary snacks I can wolf down is truly scary. But it's always been counteracted by the exercise that I do - which consists mainly of walking the dog and swimming. So I have always happily maintained my weight.

And then... steroids.

Those lovely little sugar coated pills. Nom nom nom!

Sure, they made me better but they also made me FAT.

I have nothing against fat and if you're happy with yourself at whatever weight then more power to you. It's just that I'm not happy being this way.

And that's the whole point. I'm not happy.

Unfortunately, I'm also very bitter over my weight gain. Which makes it more difficult for me to gather the momentum to lose weight - or to get out and exercise. I'm angry that I've not changed my diet or my exercise habits and yet I'm in this situation.

So, you might be surprised to hear that I actually beat my target for the month of March and as a result bought myself my first reward of The Big Bang Theory. Yay!

But with the downturn in my depression, I have found myself going back to my regular habits. I am nothing if not an emotional eater.

So once again I'm starting over. I can't crash diet or do anything drastic because I will ultimately end up making myself ill and having to start taking steroids again. Plus the fact that anything drastic is likely to be ridiculously foolish.

I just wish I could figure out whether I should work on my weight first because when I lose the extra weight I will ease my depression due to healthier eating, exercise and more self-esteem. (More? More like any!)

Or should I work on my depression because it's what's making me binge eat and then berate myself, pulling me further down into a catch-22 of bad eating and self recrimination? And if I am less depressed then perhaps I will learn to love myself - no matter what I look like?

It's a dilemma and one I'm sure many people face.

Loving yourself - does it mean losing weight to make yourself happy or accepting yourself as you currently are, even if it's not where you want to be?

I don't know the answer to that question and every time I try and write a sentence to answer it, I delete it and start again. I just don't know - which gives me one more excuse for lack of motivation.

We'll see what happens at my next weigh in!

Crap - was that the starting gun?

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m constantly waiting for the ‘right time’ to do everything that I’ve always wanted to do.

• I want to write more on this blog - better wait until I’ve written a few blog posts and have an exact schedule of what I plan to write and when.

• I want to write a romance novel - better wait until the story is perfectly composed in my head before committing it to paper.

• I want to get back in the dating game - better wait until I’ve either lost my steroid weight or until I have some self-esteem.

• I want to get fit and lose some weight - better wait until I’ve started losing weight so that I don’t look like a fool when I’m out running, swimming etc. (I’m not even joking about this one even though I know how ridiculous it sounds!)

I always seem to have some excuse or reason for procrastination.

Even knowing that it’s pure procrastination, and knowing that it’s only because these things mean a lot to me personally that I'm hesitating, doesn’t help me to actually get going.

So, I’ve decided to fire the gun.

I’m not ready.

I don’t know which route to take.

I haven’t stretched.

But that’s too bad - the starting gun has been fired and everyone else is running. Even if I look at it as a one person race, that gun has still gone off and can’t be unfired.

So, I can either take the heart lurch of missing the starting gun and knowing I’ll be a step behind, say ‘shit!’ and just get going, or…

D'you know - there’s never a ‘right time’ which means there’s never a ‘wrong time’ either!

Let’s get going.

3 Things You Need Before You Change Your Life

I have been pondering and planning for a while now on how to start and continue with my blog. I know what I want to do - I want to chronicle my journey as I work to build the life that I’ve always wanted. If other people join with me as I share my life then the more the merrier.

I want to talk about:

• my life as a historical novelist
• my amazing husband
• the clothes I make
• the tasty food that I cook for my man and our kiddies
• the lovely home we are in the process of remodelling into our dream home
• my pride and joy - my garden - where I grow all my veggies and keep the chickens, Jeckyll and Hyde
• the celebrations with my wonderful family
• our crazy dogs - Tilly and Fudge
• how I stay fit and healthy with ulcerative colitis
• how I stay mentally fit after beating depression

Sounds great, no?

Just one teeny weeny tiny stumbling block - I don’t have even half of what I’m planning to blog about. I don’t have a hot bod, I’m not a novelist, I don’t have kids, my house and garden are merely  figments of my imagination and, among other things, I don’t have an awesome husband (hell, I don’t even have a crap one!).

So after numerous plans, calendars, spreadsheets and lists (I’m getting an organisationgasm just thinking about it!) I’m back to square one. As much fun as the lists were (and still are) and as much as I know where I want to go, it’s the middle bit that’s a big blur.

It’s like deciding to go to Liechtenstein (for want of a better place to go) on Tuesday 22nd July. You write lists of what to take, what sights you want to see when you get there, what local delicacies you want to try and how you’re going to spend your time. The 22nd July rolls round and you’re ready to go. But wait? Which road do I need to take get to Liechtenstein? Do I need to get a plane? Train? Hot air balloon?

How do I get to Liechtenstein for crying out loud?

I know that I want to go and that’s where I want to be but I have no idea which direction to take the first step in.

So, here is where I decided what I needed to do and where I get to play about with marker pens and paper (can I get a woo hoo!?).

First I wrote down all the areas of my life I want to change or improve. I suppose this is just like the list of things I want to blog about or a list of the attributes of the girl I want to be.

So the areas of my life I want to improve are:

So now my plan is to take each of these elements and focus on them individually. I think my problem has always been that I focus on the big rather than the small. What I mean by this is that I decide that from a specific day that I will change all aspects of my life. I’m so excited - this is it - here we go. In my haze of excitement, I fail to realise that I’m simply meandering along and playing at changing my life. Then I hit a snag. Whatever that may be, something derails my plans and instead of being able to brush myself off and carry on, because it’s an all-or-nothing type thing, I get disheartened and have to start back at the beginning.

This is why I’ve decided to trick myself by taking small steps.

If I focus on one thing at a time then I can celebrate each small victory. And, if I hit a snag in any of my mini challenges, it will be small enough to be surmountable and I can brush it off and keep going.

The other good thing is that some of the elements of my life I want to change are all interlinked. So, if I focus on improving my physical health, my mental health will naturally improve. My self-esteem and confidence should increase which will make it less stressful to improve my currently pathetic love life. It’s a snowball effect.

So, I know that I’m going to start with physical health but my detailed improvement plans (aka the middle) can wait for another blog post.

But this really has got me thinking about what you need before you change your life.

1. You need to know where you want to FINISH

If you have a goal that you want to achieve then that is your finish point. Whether that’s getting married, getting fit, moving house, getting a promotion - once you know what you want then you’re a third of the way there. This is your Liechtenstein.


2. You need the desire to START

Do you even want to go to Liechtenstein or are you going along because someone else thinks you should go?

At first I thought this was quite obvious - why would you be planning to change something in your life if you didn’t have any desire to do so? Then it came to me - perhaps someone is pressuring you to lose weight yet you are happy and healthy exactly the way you are. I have realised that some people (all of us, probably) don’t understand how other people can be happy with something that they themselves are not.

It’s like the story that you are given £500. You are delighted until you realise that your friend/colleague/sister got £1000. Suddenly that £500 is upsetting and not as good as the £1000. Imagine then that someone was still absolutely delighted with the £500. Would you think they were being truthful? Would you almost try and convince them that they should be upset, offended or want the £1000? Do we want them to be unhappy with their £500 or do we just assume that since we wouldn’t be happy, they shouldn’t be either?

So, the moral is only change something if it’s what you want to do. Don’t think about what other people have and what is expected. Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to go for that promotion? Do you want to start dating again?
Sit down and honestly ask yourself what you want. One word of warning, though. Don’t let fear convince you that you don’t want something just because it will be difficult, scary or hard work. It’s fine not to want something. It’s not fine to want something then convince yourself you don’t because you’re scared.


3. You need a well-stuffed MIDDLE

This is the way you will get to Liechtenstein.

It’s easy enough to say that you want to be happy but what does that mean for you? So the middle section is really important but only if you have been specific in what it will take to make you happy.
The middle is the hard work. The middle is where you decide which path you will take to getting what you want. If you are focussing on your love life then you have to decide what’s the best way to get what you want. Will it be speed dating? Online dating? Hitting the bars? Or do you think you should take the time to know and like yourself before hitting the dating scene?

This is very personal. It’s your path. There’s no such thing as a detour on your path. If you got to Liechtenstein then realised that you wanted to see Belgium on the way, you would have to go back. Look at the time and energy you’ve wasted. Take your time - do it your way and when you get to Liechtenstein you’ll find yourself ready to stay.


So that’s me. Here we go taking one step at a time to get to Liechtenstein.

J x

Weight a minute...

I am currently on a course of steroids to try and get my ulcerative colitis under control. Now, normally I love, love, love steroids - especially the sugar coated red ones - mmmmmm - but this time I'm not so enamoured.

I've never had any side effects from steroids before. The opposite is in fact true. They cleared up a skin condition I had throughout my teenage years (something that no amount of other drugs or treatments could accomplish) and did I mention they are red and sugar coated? What's not to love?

I'm not one of these people that eschews modern medicine and my personal opinion is that if the doctor prescribes it to you, you take it. That's just me - if you don't like to take medicine and don't agree with it then that's absolutely fine, too. Live and let live, I say. Despite that, I always read the instruction leaflet that comes with any new pills I take. When you're a worrier like me, this is both a necessity and the stupidest thing anyone could do! So I am well aware that one of the side effects, of the negative variety, of steroids is that you can develop "moon face" (a chubby little face) and your appetite can increase dramatically leading to, yep, weight gain.

After feeling a little more bloated than usual, I decided to reassure myself by checking my weight. Just to appease my worry. Another big mistake as it turns out. I'd put on half a stone. Sigh.

Not to worry, I decided it was an anomaly and weighed myself again the next day. It was an anomaly - I was actually 4lbs heavier than the day before.

I know I've been eating shockingly - a combination of comfort eating and yet more comfort eating - but I was truly quite shocked.

And that's when it happened. Mental Jo raised her head and now I am absolutely obsessed with how much I weigh, what I look like and how round my face is. I am ashamed of myself yet don't know if it's a physical or mental issue.

The funny thing is, I don't judge people by what size they are.

Earlier today I was in a supermarket and wanted to look at the sale clothes. There were three ladies and a trolley in the way so I had to double back and go up the aisle another way.

The three ladies were having a conversation about a jacket they were admiring. The first lady was seemingly annoyed because one of her acquaintances had the audacity to suggest that the pair could share clothes.

First lady: (obviously not the actual first lady but hey...) Can you believe she thinks she's the same size as me?
Second lady: I know - she is so so much fatter than you. She's huge.
Third lady: Oh, yes. I would say that she was probably bigger than you.
First lady: She's got a nerve - and she probably believes it, too. Humph. *Giggles*
Second lady: God, if she got any bigger she'd nearly be as fat as Third Lady.

Even I stopped dead at that statement and a frigid chill wafted over all four of us. No-one knew what to say. I even wanted to break the awkward silence and I didn't even know them.

Now, all three of these ladies were larger ladies but why does that matter? Why were they so focused on their weight and their weight versus others.

Third lady could have been Mother Theresa yet her so called friends were so totally focused on what the scales told her and made her feel bad because of it.

Why do we listen to the scales? Why do we listen to these mean people - fat or thin - that tell us we aren't valuable because of a number on a scale? Why do we let the scales and these mean people invade our minds until it's their voices that we hear in our heads telling us that we're fat?

Up until the conversation started, the only thoughts I had about the three ladies is that they were in my way. By the end of the conversation, the only thing I knew for certainty is that Second lady wasn't a very nice person. Fat or thin - she wasn't very nice.

And that's what I have to remember is more important.

Be nice. To each other and to yourself.

That's my plan for this week. Who cares if I've put on weight for whatever reason? I'm still a good person and that's what counts.