Friday, 20 February 2015

5 signs your dog is trying to kill you

Isn't my little puppy cute and sweet?

Well, that's what I always thought... until I started to notice certain things.

Little things.

Things that I might have overlooked as quirks of character or foibles of a young pup.

Except that I've been watching too much of the crime channels of late, specifically Unusual Suspects and Snapped!, and something came to me.

Perhaps she wasn't as sweet and innocent as I had come to believe. Perhaps she did, in fact, have a dastardly plot to bring harm to my personage. To actually kill me!

As a service to others who find themselves in this terrible situation, I have put together a quick list of my experiences that will hopefully help you discover if your dog is trying to kill you.


1. After a long day, both myself and Tilly returned home. Tilly was desperate to get into the back garden so I let her roam free. I returned to another room and started tidying up. Not five minutes later Tilly came dashing in. As soon as she saw me she stopped in her tracks, stared at me for a second then turned tail and ran back outside.

If this happens to you, your dog has obviously had an assignation with a hired hitman who has been hiding in the garden waiting for you to return before doing the hideous deed. She has told the hitman where you are and what you're doing. That was the final check to make sure you're still in the same location. Be vigilant - your dog is watching you. So is the hitman.

2. I woke from a pleasant dream the other night to find my adoring puppy sitting on my chest, pressing delicate kisses onto my cheeks and nose. It was time to get up and she immediately rushed off towards the back door in happiness at starting the day.

Don't be fooled by this display of affection. What really happened was she was attempting to suffocate me by standing on my chest to restrict my breathing. She popped her face close to mine only to see if it was working - not to kiss me good morning. When I inconveniently woke up, she scarpered away, unwilling to be caught in the act.

3. I have often found that I walk and my dog follows. I stop and she stops. I turn around to find her staring at me without blinking. My dog adores me and wants to be with me always, says I.

Wrong. If you notice this behaviour, your dog is following you and learning your habits. Watching and waiting. Be wary. Change up your routine once in a while.

4. As I eat my food I will often look down to the floor to see my little pup staring at me with drool in her chops and desire in her eyes. Truth be told, she would be wonderful for those RSPCA adverts because she pulls off the 'starving dog' bit with aplomb! All she wants is a teeny tiny piece of my delicious food. How could I resist?

Well, if this happens to you - you must resist! Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. Meaning, if given the opportunity, my pup with the pleading eyes would eat all the food on my plate and in my cupboards. Yep - she's trying to starve me to death. This is probably the only scheme that I am unconcerned about - it's going to take a loooong time to starve me!

5. Walking is one of the favourite activities of my dear pup. She takes every opportunity to take me for a jaunt around the park, the streets, down the beach and anywhere and everywhere else in between.

What could be wrong with this, you ask. It gets me exercise, burns the calories and get me some fresh air. I have one picture for you that sums up how this extends into a plot for my demise...

This may be the one that gets me.

Is your dog trying to kill you? If any of these are happening to you - the answer may be yes!


  1. Hahaha! Tilly's crazy - just like her owner! :oD

  2. Sounds like my dogs. Just love it. Do you have the 5 signs your cat is trying to kill you?


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