I hate my guts...

Well, my ulcerative colitis is flaring again and it's really getting me down.

It's slightly unlike other flares that I've had in that I'm not getting up through the night (except the two or three times that I have to get up to let Tilly out!) but the pain is really something. The abdominal pain has spread to my right hand side. I say spread rather than moved because it's still on the left hand side too! It likes to be generous! I say pain but it's not a stabbing sensation, more like a continual wrenching of my innards. Sometimes I think I would prefer a sharp pain rather than this dullness.

Anyway, my nurse has given me new meds - Pentasa tablets, enemas and Prednisolone enemas to use alongside my azathioprine to try and calm me down and stop the flare. I'm both upbeat that these new meds will help me and a little bit bit anxious about the change.

While I'm grateful for my excellent docs and nurses, I can't help but feel a little down. There's nothing quite like feeling sorry for yourself when you're incapacitated with a flare.

The online colitis and Crohn's community is very helpful and on trawling through the 'net, I came across a great little article entitled '11 Things Not to Say to Someone with Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis' from Health.com. It actually hits all my buttons!

What Not To Say to Someone with Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis

1. You Don't Look Sick
I tend to look a little pale when I'm flaring but since I'm pale anyway, I can often look ok on the outside. For me, the worst part is the exhaustion and abdominal pain because they can knock you flat without anyone seeing anything to 'prove' it.

2. I Know What You're Going Through
This would be my number one. The amount of people that tell me they understand my pain because they have IBS is unbelievable. No offence, but unless you have UC, you really don't know how it feels.

3. You've Lost Weight. You Look Great!
I've actually never had this one. When I was first diagnosed I used to get "You're so thin you look awful." Seven years later and I still have no comeback for that statement.

4. You're So Lucky - You Can Eat Anything and Stay Skinny
This is probably more for those with Crohn's as I've never had this one said to me!

5. You've Really Put On Weight
I personally think that this statement shouldn't be said to anyone. How mean!

6. Is Is Okay For You to Eat That?
This irritates me no end. Whether it does or it doesn't, it's up to me and I'm probably the best one to tell. However, I admit that I dislike people telling me what to do in general!!

7. Come On, Try A Bite
When I was first diagnosed, I was on a bland diet to control my symptoms. I told my work colleagues so that they could support me. Instead, they started trying to get me to eat things like chocolate muffins ("One mini muffin won't hurt!") which I adore but knew would hurt more than I could cope with at the time. They wouldn't take no for an answer and I will always remember taking a mini muffin and having to break it up to look like it was being eaten and then hiding the bits in my bag before disposing of it when I left for the day.

8. You Must Have A Lot of Stress in Your Life
I've never had this and I actually wouldn't mind it being asked because I do. It's partially a result of my anxious personality but that doesn't make it any less stressful!

9. Can You Wait Until the Next Exit?
Sadly enough, I would rather keep quiet because I don't like to inconvenience anyone else. If I did ask, I would hope people would take me seriously. They'll be the ones facing the consequences (and the valeting bill) if they don't!

10. Why Are You So Tired?
I don't think anything says it better than this: Jill Plevinsky hates when her friends and family try to get her to do things she's not up for by saying, "Oh, come on. You can't be that tired." She likes to answer them by saying, "If you lost as much blood as I do with each bowel movement, you'd be pretty wiped out too."

11. You Need To Change Your Diet
Although the food a person eats can affect their symptoms during a flare-up, there's no evidence that diet causes inflammatory bowel diseases or brings on flare-ups. It is important, however, for people with colitis and Crohn's to eat as healthy and balanced a diet as possible—which they most likely know already.


Now that my giant moan is out of the way, I came across some UC funnies.

The last binge now it's time to undo...

Practically every single Sunday I make a vow to myself that this next week will be the start of something good. I will make the changes that I need to make to allow myself to be happy. Every single time I mean it and I plan to follow through. Yet, every single time something happens during the week that knocks me down and while I always get back up, it means that each and every Sunday I plan to start again the next day.

My mum is always telling me that I'm too hard on myself and that I'm my own worst enemy. Perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself to succeed. Changing my life in one massive swoop rather than doing it bit by bit and making it stick.

As with any end, I went out in style. And when I say style, I mean an absolutely disgusting binge that made me feel equal measures of shame and nausea.

I know that with my bowel disease, I need to make sure that I am eating good and nutritious foods. Yet I seem to be making poor choices more and more often. I'll be honest and say that my bad diet is also risking my healthy weight that took me a long while to get down to. I definitely don't want to go backwards. Or upwards as the case may be.

Not only that but my sister sent me this link that shows the relationship between anxiety/depression and your gut health. You can read it here if you're interested.

The long and the short of it is that if I improve my diet - every single part of me will benefit. When you think about it, that's not a lot of outlay for some major enhancements in my life. Especially when the enhancements are on things that are causing me some major stresses in my life.

The next thing that happened is that my mum emailed me with a link to a book.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Meghan Telpner's 'Undiet: Eat Your Way to Vibrant Health'.

Almost from the first I fell in love with this book and with Meghan. Her whole philosophy is one that I can really get behind.

She's not about counting calories or monitoring what you eat - she just wants you to eat cleanly. One of the best parts of this book is, for me, not actually the bits about eating. The bits about how happiness and health go hand in hand have really spoken to me. I'd be the first to admit that I'm not doing a job that I love. In fact, if I had to point out one of the major stress points in my life - my job wins hand down. It's well paid and while I like the income, it really isn't worth all the drama and ill-health that it causes me. I think that I'm just not cut out to be in the corporate world.

But more about that another day.

This book is definitely not a diet.

Basically, if I was looking for a sign, this is it. All these things - the universe must be telling me to get off my behind and get things done. And if it's not the universe that's telling me - I should still really get up and gain control. I'm such a control freak in every other aspect of my life - why not the one that matters most?

My first week's challenge is to drink at least 8-10 glasses of water a day. A lot of people suggest this as a healthy way to, ahem, flush your system and I certainly don't get enough to do so despite practically living in the toilet. (Sorry, bowel disease definitely leads to over sharing when it comes to toilet talk!) So, rather than just get started, I had to make it fun! So I bought myself this:

How lovely! Keeps all my water in an easy to measure container while also reminding me to SMILE! Plus it's made of something other than plastic which is apparently bad news for bowel watchers like me!

Mr Happy - makes flushing fun!

Anyway, I've still to finish the book but already I hope to make some big changes on the back of it.

This time I mean it and this time I plan to follow through.

Which, in view of the recent content of this post, is a little gross.

Oh well!