Sunday Supplement: Week #9

Pinch, punch, first of the month white rabbits! Happy March, everyone!

It's that time of year again where I try to determine when I'll get a 5-10 minute run on good (or at least not bad) weather so I can dash outside and get some seed trays started.

So far I have some broad beans, tomatoes, peppers, chillis and Honesty waiting to be planted.

Luckily, I didn't have to go outside to start to chit my potatoes. Now, I have no idea whether I am following the proper rules of potato chitting and seed planting but I live in Scotland - I figure with our weather you take a chance when you get a chance and wait to see what happens!

A massive bit of good fortune this week led me to one of the best twitter storms of 2015 - nay, ever! I'm on verdict watch for a trial I've been following in Arizona. As a result, I had Arizona's ABC15 Breaking News up in my browser while I worked.

I had been out for a walk in the evening and when I came back I wanted to make sure I hadn't missed the reading of the verdict. I hadn't but that's not the bit of luck I had.

I turned on the live feed and saw.... llama drama.

 

If you didn't see it live, go back and watch it now. You'll not be sorry - it's so bloomin' hilarious. Who knew so many residents of Sun City had lassos! I need to learn how to lasso, dammit!

I've just finished watching the Scotland vs Italy Six Nations match which we lost. Now, I am absolutely gutted and it will take a few days (weeks, months?) before I am able to accept that it was actually a rather good game.

What is there to love in this tale of woe, you might ask? I have a new crush...

Okay, okay - he's a little young but aren't they all these days!?!

Hmmm... why do my rugby crushes always play fly-half? Okay wait - neither Sean Lamont or Thom Evans are that position so all is well with the world!

Very well with the world.

Wow - this was a tough SS to write! *wicked grin*

Sunday Supplement: Week #8

Week 8 - can you believe it? We're already 1/6 of the way through 2015 and it's not even March!

This week I've been watching the FIS Nordic World Ski Championships in Falun, Sweden. I'm not sure if there's biathalon in the championships (fingers crossed) but I've already seen Cross Country, Nordic Combined and Ski Jumping and it's only my first day's viewing. 

I would normally 'adopt' a nation to cheer for but in the winter sports I tend to switch it up or focus on single athletes. Having said that, I think I have a Swiss flag and a Canadian flag somewhere so I might just have to cheer for them!

This category was supposed to be about something that I got a kick out of this week - as it turns out, it's also handy for talking about my love life. Not that there's much to tell.

I took advantage of a cut price offer at the beginning of February to join Match.com. Do not worry - penny pinching is one of the attributes listed on my profile. I'm a typical Scot after all!

Anyway, I've been at it for about 3 weeks and man, I find online dating tough. It's that constant worry about whether I'm good enough, skinny enough, funny enough, normal enough... Sadly, it has - as it has done before - made me realise that my self-esteem and self-worth are at such lows that I really shouldn't be thinking about being happy in a couple until I'm happy in myself.

The difficulty comes in when all I want is to find someone to love me and for me to love. I don't care if it's a pipe dream - I want love like they have in the books I read. But the heroines in my books are sassy, kick-ass and aren't stuck in a dreadful place mentally like I seem to constantly be.

So, what that comes down to is that I'm thinking of not renewing. Even at the discounted price I get for subsequent months, I'm not sure I'm ready. 

Plus, I could get at least 2 books a month for the cost of my membership. If I was paying full price I could probably get 5 or 6. 

Interesting - that makes me feel a lot better. I might not have a man but I have books!

Sunday Supplement: Week #6

Max has still not arrived yet. I might have to have a word with the post office.

In the meantime, I'm reading the last ever book in the Duke's Men series by Sabrina Jeffries - If The Viscount Falls. Lordy it's good!

I've really been enjoying the Romance Festival this weekend. It's great to see so much going on and since it's run from the UK, I can take part without having to get up early or stay up late! Yay for laziness!

It's on until 8pm tonight so pop over here to see what's going on today and how to join in.

Back in the dating game...

I suppose that this year I have been very selfish in that I'm trying to concentrate on making myself happy. Not that I've been neglecting those that I love - at least I hope not. It's just that day by day I'm trying to take back my life and do so by my own rules, dreams and goals.

Today's thinking may seem a little frivolous to some but part of my goal to be happy includes having a partner to share my life with. Not that I need someone to make me happy - I just want to find someone to be happy with.

I dated minimally in school, just as minimally in University, other than a few fleeting distractions (and disasters!) I have pretty much put my hope into online dating. Not to much success, mind you, but I'm an introvert and don't really enjoy parties, nights out etc etc so this seems like my only option.

After my last round of internet dating I decided (again) that it wasn't for me. But now (again) I'm beginning to waver and wonder whether I should give it another go. As I just mentioned - I don't really have many other options and I'd quite like to not just accept my transformation to the spinster-side of the street will soon be complete.

There's just one problem.

As part of my new way of thinking, I refuse to be anyone but myself (easier said than done but that's for another day). I would rather be alone than with someone who didn't know the real me and didn't accept me - flaws, quirks and all. I don't want any time wasters. I don't want anyone who isn't going to be in something for the long haul (I'm not getting any younger, after all!). And that's not to mention all the superficial/shallow things that I would prefer but wouldn't want to be forced to admit that they would be a deal breaker (tall, older, etc...).

Basically I know what I want and if I went internet dating I wouldn't want to settle for any less.

Do you see what this one problem might be?

Yep - I've become a dating-zilla.

In the beginning I was all optimistic and happy.

Then doubts starting creeping in (along with the weirdos).

And now it's rage-a-holic, scary lady who is just a little bit freaky with what's 'supposed' to be and what's not allowed.

Then I realised - I'm the dating equivalent of Phoebe from Friends when she tries her hand at collecting donations for Christmas.

Oh dear...

I Don't Like Valentine's Day

I'm going to tell you a secret that no single girl should admit...

*whispers* I don't like Valentine's Day!

No, seriously... I guess the heading might have given me away!

It's not shameful to not like Valentine's Day; I know many couples that eschew the festivities. But I'm not part of a couple.

I AM ALONE. (Wow - how much bitterness can capital letters convey?! ;) )

My aloneness makes my dislike of V Day take on spinster proportions.

"You only dislike it because you are sad and lonely."

"Once a man snaps you up you'll enjoy it."

"You're just bitter that you're alone on the most romantic day of the year."

 
But it's just not true.

If not having a boyfriend at this time of year is more annoying than at other times - for me, it's surely because when I'm part of a couple, I can dislike V Day without anyone saying anything about it.


As much as I adore love and romance - the thought of someone being romantic because they're told to because it's a certain day is too cringey for me. I'd be mortified. I'd much rather have a spontaneous box of chocolates, box of chocolates, fluffy teddy bear or box of chocolates on any other/every other day of the year.

Actually, to be honest, I'd rather have a book!

And if anyone even thought about proposing to me on 14th February then I would have to say no out of principle!

Perhaps I should put that on a dating website - Girl looking for a guy. I don't need anything for Valentine's Day so no pressure!

So this is just a post where I stand up and say...

I'm single and I don't like Valentine's Day.

Don't judge me! :D

Don't Change...

I saw this quote this morning when I was doing my daily (hourly?) trawl through Pinterest.

I just love it.

I love it.

I need to have this tattooed on my brain.

So with that in mind, I'm going to list a few things that I don't tend to tell people for fear that I'll be judged from one group or another!

• I like doing jigsaw puzzles.
• I love trashy TV shows like The Real Housewives and Jersey Shore.
• I'd love to be a housewife. I mean a real housewife, not like those on the TV!
• I prefer books to people.
• I'm scared of horror films. I mean terrified. I can't even watch the adverts.
• I like Star Wars and Star Trek.
• I adore cuddly toys and I still treat them as if they are alive. Try and convince me they're not!
• I don't like 'fancy' foods. All these frou frou flavours - not for me.
• Anything you say to me will be disected at length when I'm alone.
• Small talk exhausts me. Sometimes I need to be alone to recharge.
• I prefer animals to people.
• I sometimes pretend not to know or understand things so I don't upset other people or come across as a know-it-all.
• I worry so much about what other people think of me that my mind never shuts off.
• I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
• I don't drink alcohol.
• I love musicals.
• I've never seen the film Titanic.
• I don't like what I look like but don't have the willpower to change.
• I worry more about other people than I do about myself (and I seriously worry about myself!)
• I'd prefer to stay in than go out.
• I don't have many (any?) friends.
• Chatting online (even emailing) is just as horrible for me as conversing in real life!

Okay, this is getting a wee bit upsetting for me now so I'm going to stop.

But that's me - warts and all.

I've just realised something - I've got to be the real me and love the real me, too.

What's love got to do with it?

I know I'm not the most consistent when it comes to blogging but I do have to admit that this particular entry has been in progress for about two weeks now. Actually, that's a lie; it's more like 8 weeks!

The reason for the time that I've spent pondering over this is simply because I couldn't find a way to get what I wanted to say into words. I have now come to the conclusion that I will just start to write and hope that the words rearrange themselves into an order that both makes sense and articulates what I want them to.

So - here we go...

Of late I have been feeling a little bit, well, restless is the only way I can really describe it. To be honest, I've been questioning the existence of love. This query is answered rather quickly as I have seen others in love and I happen to believe that all the stories, films, poems and songs must come from someone's experiences.

I'm just beginning to wonder, then, if maybe it's just not for me.

For several months now, 6 to be exact, I have been enrolled with an online dating site. It's not the first time that I have delved into the mysterious world that is online dating but it is definitely the first time that I have stuck it out for such a long period of time.

The reason for this is that online dating is not for the faint of heart or for those lacking in self esteem. It's one thing to not be asked on any dates in real life but somewhere that people are paying their hard earned cash to find dates - that's a little upsetting. Even with my depression under control and my new coping strategies, it really does dent your confidence when you put yourself out there and are summarily rejected.

Don't get me wrong - I've chatted to some people, met some people and the like, but choosing whether you like someone by a checklist of their attributes doesn't seem romantic enough for me, and there just isn't any spark there. The longer it's gone on, I'm finding it more and more of a chore. Should it be fun? I don't really relish the idea that I would tell any future children that not only did I choose their father from a set of criteria, I also had to force myself to reply to messages and actually had a ticklist going of when I had last contacted them and when I had to do so again. It's been making it more like a task than the prospect of finding love.

I have decided it's not for me.

You may think this decision has been an easy one but it really has not. People have tried to reassure me that perhaps I will find someone in the last few weeks before my subscription ends. But that will not happen - it's not a person I want - it's love.

I know that people have found love and had families at an older age than I am now. I just have to realistically look at my past history and realise that perhaps it's not in the cards for me. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this.

I'm 31 years old. Practically everyone I know is married, getting married, having kids or has a significant other. Then there's me.

All I want is love. The kind of love you read about. The kind of love that you see in movies. The kind of boring, run of the mill love that will make someone accept me for who I am. That kind of love that makes your heart race, your stomach lurch and you feel both excited and antsy while being calm and contented all at the same time. It's a feeling I fear I will never experience.

I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know if I'll get my heart's desire. But the decision I've made about online dating is about so much more. It's a decision that I'm going to have to get on with my life and not pin all my hopes and dreams on finding my soul mate. It's liberating while at the same time being very upsetting.

I've got to get out there and do things that I would have preferred to do with someone else. I can't put my life on hold because perhaps my dream guy has been waylaid. We all know that men are rubbish at asking for directions.

I also have to stop trying to change myself to make myself potentially more attractive to the opposite sex. Telling myself that if I was a little prettier, or a little thinner, or a little more exciting, that I might someone is really not doing anything for my mental health.

I guess I could settle but is it wrong to want it all? To want that spark? I guess I'd rather be alone but I have to say that it's getting really lonely that way.

This has been a really heart wrenching post and I have to admit that I haven't cried quite as much in a long time. To try and end on a positive note and cheer myself up, I will now list the five things that I appreciate most about being single.

The end.