Crap - was that the starting gun?

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m constantly waiting for the ‘right time’ to do everything that I’ve always wanted to do.

• I want to write more on this blog - better wait until I’ve written a few blog posts and have an exact schedule of what I plan to write and when.

• I want to write a romance novel - better wait until the story is perfectly composed in my head before committing it to paper.

• I want to get back in the dating game - better wait until I’ve either lost my steroid weight or until I have some self-esteem.

• I want to get fit and lose some weight - better wait until I’ve started losing weight so that I don’t look like a fool when I’m out running, swimming etc. (I’m not even joking about this one even though I know how ridiculous it sounds!)

I always seem to have some excuse or reason for procrastination.

Even knowing that it’s pure procrastination, and knowing that it’s only because these things mean a lot to me personally that I'm hesitating, doesn’t help me to actually get going.

So, I’ve decided to fire the gun.

I’m not ready.

I don’t know which route to take.

I haven’t stretched.

But that’s too bad - the starting gun has been fired and everyone else is running. Even if I look at it as a one person race, that gun has still gone off and can’t be unfired.

So, I can either take the heart lurch of missing the starting gun and knowing I’ll be a step behind, say ‘shit!’ and just get going, or…

D'you know - there’s never a ‘right time’ which means there’s never a ‘wrong time’ either!

Let’s get going.

Numb

I'm beginning to wonder if the depression medication actually takes away the emotions or if it just suppresses them.

I am back at work today after a week off to use up my holidays before my contract ends at the end of the month. I wasn't looking forward to going back but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be when I worked at the bakery. (I didn't really work at a bakery - I'm just just substituting so I don't break out in a panic at the mere mention of the real name of the company I used to work for. I would *love* to work in a bakery!!)

Despite this, there are things going on at work, plots afoot (afeet?) and mind games being played - the kind of office politics that go hand in hand with most office jobs.

It's exhausting.

I feel emotionally drained and have learnt today that I'm considered even more superfluous than I could possibly have imagined. There's an interesting saying by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. As much as I like this quote, I don't completely agree. If people are mentally beating you on a regular basis, it's just not possible to think well of yourself when they constantly tell you you're worthless. Or worse, imply that you are. At least if someone straight out tells you to your face, you can refute it. If it's said behind your back...

So, onto my question...

... here I sit. I've driven home, made my tea and now I have no obligations until tomorrow at 9am.

I'm just sitting here.

I feel like I should be crying.

I feel like I should be crying like my heart is breaking.

Instead I feel a little detached. Numb.

To be honest, I'm not sure which is better.

I feel a little lost.

Do my ears deceive me?

I took the plunge today and did something that I'd been wanting to do since, well, Saturday.

I got my ears pierced again. Eek!

Seeing this image on Pinterest...

...really made me think. Not only do I love the saying beneath, I also adore the girl's style.

The saying itself just made me realise that there are so many things that I want to try with my own style. Things that I have never had the courage to do because I fear what other people will say or think about me.

And writing that down makes me realise just how ridiculous it really is.

It's even more ridiculous that it's actually true.

So, I had the idea, and just decided to go for it.

I got two extra piercings in mt left ear and another one in my right and I just love them. It's given me the feeling that I get when I'm wearing kick-ass heels, have long nails or lots of jangly bracelets. Just that feeling of being in control of me. And of being a grown up! :)

The best bit of all was that after I got my piercings, I got given a lollipop! Yeah! Not only that, my big sister who'd come along for moral support (and to tell me that my ears had gone purple!), got one, too! Good times!

As my ears were being pierced, the lady was double checking which ear I wanted my third piercing in. When I told her that it was to be in the left ear she expressed her relief. "Your left ear is much bigger and flatter than your right one," I was told.

What? Could my earlobes really be that different? Could I really not have noticed all these years? Apparently the answer is yes. Good thing I've got my new earrings so that I don't panic about my misshapen earlobes and what people must think of them!