Weight Loss Reward: Progress So Far

At the start of the year (or more like the second start of the year since I used January as a practice month), I wrote myself out a weight loss reward chart to motivate me into losing the extra weight.

I know that some people say that bribing yourself into losing weight isn't the right way to go about things but honestly, I need all the motivation - bribed or otherwise - to get myself off my ass and losing weight.

The problem is that I haven't changed anything in my diet or lifestyle to make myself this current weight.

I've always been a bit of a binge eater and the amount of sugary snacks I can wolf down is truly scary. But it's always been counteracted by the exercise that I do - which consists mainly of walking the dog and swimming. So I have always happily maintained my weight.

And then... steroids.

Those lovely little sugar coated pills. Nom nom nom!

Sure, they made me better but they also made me FAT.

I have nothing against fat and if you're happy with yourself at whatever weight then more power to you. It's just that I'm not happy being this way.

And that's the whole point. I'm not happy.

Unfortunately, I'm also very bitter over my weight gain. Which makes it more difficult for me to gather the momentum to lose weight - or to get out and exercise. I'm angry that I've not changed my diet or my exercise habits and yet I'm in this situation.

So, you might be surprised to hear that I actually beat my target for the month of March and as a result bought myself my first reward of The Big Bang Theory. Yay!

But with the downturn in my depression, I have found myself going back to my regular habits. I am nothing if not an emotional eater.

So once again I'm starting over. I can't crash diet or do anything drastic because I will ultimately end up making myself ill and having to start taking steroids again. Plus the fact that anything drastic is likely to be ridiculously foolish.

I just wish I could figure out whether I should work on my weight first because when I lose the extra weight I will ease my depression due to healthier eating, exercise and more self-esteem. (More? More like any!)

Or should I work on my depression because it's what's making me binge eat and then berate myself, pulling me further down into a catch-22 of bad eating and self recrimination? And if I am less depressed then perhaps I will learn to love myself - no matter what I look like?

It's a dilemma and one I'm sure many people face.

Loving yourself - does it mean losing weight to make yourself happy or accepting yourself as you currently are, even if it's not where you want to be?

I don't know the answer to that question and every time I try and write a sentence to answer it, I delete it and start again. I just don't know - which gives me one more excuse for lack of motivation.

We'll see what happens at my next weigh in!