Weight Loss Reward: Progress So Far

At the start of the year (or more like the second start of the year since I used January as a practice month), I wrote myself out a weight loss reward chart to motivate me into losing the extra weight.

I know that some people say that bribing yourself into losing weight isn't the right way to go about things but honestly, I need all the motivation - bribed or otherwise - to get myself off my ass and losing weight.

The problem is that I haven't changed anything in my diet or lifestyle to make myself this current weight.

I've always been a bit of a binge eater and the amount of sugary snacks I can wolf down is truly scary. But it's always been counteracted by the exercise that I do - which consists mainly of walking the dog and swimming. So I have always happily maintained my weight.

And then... steroids.

Those lovely little sugar coated pills. Nom nom nom!

Sure, they made me better but they also made me FAT.

I have nothing against fat and if you're happy with yourself at whatever weight then more power to you. It's just that I'm not happy being this way.

And that's the whole point. I'm not happy.

Unfortunately, I'm also very bitter over my weight gain. Which makes it more difficult for me to gather the momentum to lose weight - or to get out and exercise. I'm angry that I've not changed my diet or my exercise habits and yet I'm in this situation.

So, you might be surprised to hear that I actually beat my target for the month of March and as a result bought myself my first reward of The Big Bang Theory. Yay!

But with the downturn in my depression, I have found myself going back to my regular habits. I am nothing if not an emotional eater.

So once again I'm starting over. I can't crash diet or do anything drastic because I will ultimately end up making myself ill and having to start taking steroids again. Plus the fact that anything drastic is likely to be ridiculously foolish.

I just wish I could figure out whether I should work on my weight first because when I lose the extra weight I will ease my depression due to healthier eating, exercise and more self-esteem. (More? More like any!)

Or should I work on my depression because it's what's making me binge eat and then berate myself, pulling me further down into a catch-22 of bad eating and self recrimination? And if I am less depressed then perhaps I will learn to love myself - no matter what I look like?

It's a dilemma and one I'm sure many people face.

Loving yourself - does it mean losing weight to make yourself happy or accepting yourself as you currently are, even if it's not where you want to be?

I don't know the answer to that question and every time I try and write a sentence to answer it, I delete it and start again. I just don't know - which gives me one more excuse for lack of motivation.

We'll see what happens at my next weigh in!

Crap - was that the starting gun?

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m constantly waiting for the ‘right time’ to do everything that I’ve always wanted to do.

• I want to write more on this blog - better wait until I’ve written a few blog posts and have an exact schedule of what I plan to write and when.

• I want to write a romance novel - better wait until the story is perfectly composed in my head before committing it to paper.

• I want to get back in the dating game - better wait until I’ve either lost my steroid weight or until I have some self-esteem.

• I want to get fit and lose some weight - better wait until I’ve started losing weight so that I don’t look like a fool when I’m out running, swimming etc. (I’m not even joking about this one even though I know how ridiculous it sounds!)

I always seem to have some excuse or reason for procrastination.

Even knowing that it’s pure procrastination, and knowing that it’s only because these things mean a lot to me personally that I'm hesitating, doesn’t help me to actually get going.

So, I’ve decided to fire the gun.

I’m not ready.

I don’t know which route to take.

I haven’t stretched.

But that’s too bad - the starting gun has been fired and everyone else is running. Even if I look at it as a one person race, that gun has still gone off and can’t be unfired.

So, I can either take the heart lurch of missing the starting gun and knowing I’ll be a step behind, say ‘shit!’ and just get going, or…

D'you know - there’s never a ‘right time’ which means there’s never a ‘wrong time’ either!

Let’s get going.

Project: Love Myself

My biggest challenge in life is to accept myself for who I am. Actually, not just accept myself but to love myself.

I have to remember that I don't have to be like other people and also that other people don't have to like me for me to be valuable.

And this is how Project: Love Myself was born.

I am going to make it my goal, going forward, to start to fall in love with myself. At the start of any budding romance, the first thing is to get to know the person that you're hopefully going to fall in love with. As this is an arranged marriage, of sorts, I already know that we are destined to be happy together so I don't have to worry about hopefully turning into definitely.

So, for this to happen I have to set myself a list of 'love' challenges.

Based on nothing more scientific that I think they sound like a good idea, I will do the following:

• Wink at myself in the mirror each morning as if I have an exciting and mysterious secret. This is to make me like myself and become my friend. What are friends without secrets?

• Put links to my Pinterest and Twitter accounts on my blog so that I can force myself not to be ashamed or try and hide who I really am. If I'm happy with myself then why should I care whether other people know the 'real me' or not?

• Stand naked in front of the mirror (when I'm getting dressed or undressed - otherwise it's just weird!) and see my real body. Like what you see. Tell myself that.

• Practise the art of speaking to myself as if I was someone else. You wouldn't tell someone else they were a fat, unlovable waste of space. Or at least I hope you wouldn't!

• Write down lots of random things about myself that I'm 'secretly' proud of. Stop them from being secret just because I think that other people will judge me for them.

•  Don't try to tone down your enthusiasm over things that you like. Even if other people don't like the same things - you do. And that's fine. What fun would it be if we were all the same? To gain extra credit - in conversations, tell people about the things that you like without expecting affirmations.

• If someone gives you a compliment - say thank you! You don't have to tell people that it's a hand me down, cheap or just from the supermarket - you don't owe anyone explanations!

•  If someone doesn't like something you do, own or wear - that doesn't matter. Take criticism in the spirit that it's delivered to you but the underlying thing is, if I like it and feel good with/in it then that's all that matters.

•  Smile - I'm cute when I smile! (That was really difficult to write but well done me!)

•  Remember that nobody's perfect. Everybody has hang ups. Everybody worries. Everybody is real.

Here endith the list.

J x

Erm, 87 day challenge?

It's been a busy and stressful old week. But...I have to admit to a certain amount of pride in myself because I did not break down. I felt like there were plenty of chances and I was teetering on the edge at points, but did I fall over? No I did not! Yay!

Ironically, at the end of the week I had a checkup with my doctor regarding my depression and the medication that I'm currently on. I was pushed up to the highest dose of said drugs a little over a month ago as I was beginning to worry that the drugs were starting to lose their potency. More pills didn't seem to make much of a difference but when I managed to get through this week - I was happy to tell the doctor that I felt so much better.

And then, like an annoying game of snakes and ladders, downward I went again. It's so frustrating and makes me so sad, not just for me but for those that I love and love me back. It's like someone teases me with happiness only to wrench it out from beneath my feet when I'm just starting to get my balance.

Sadly, I really think that I can pin all of this on one little thing - work. The big event is over and I survived but I suppose it's very naive of me to have expected some sort of thanks. Nope - not a bean of thanks was given. It's this kind of little thing that cements that the corporate world just isn't meant for me. Sadly, instead of an angel and devil on my shoulders - I've got my heart and health on one side and my responsibilities on the other.

Anyway, this minor set back is why I am now gearing up for my 87 day challenge rather than a 90 day one!

It's primarily a health challenge but it incorporates both physical fitness and mental fitness (the second being a term that I really enjoy saying for some reason!).

And why is this challenge limited to 87 days?

Because that's how long it is until CHRISTMAS!

I love, love, love Christmas but it also just happens to be a decent distance away to set myself a fitness goal.

So, in the 90 87 days until Christmas I want to achieve the following:

* Tone up so I'm comfortable in my own skin
* Own my curves
* Get a physical and mental fitness plan that I'm sticking to and loving

So that is where I'm aiming.

And going back to work, no - not one person thanked either myself or my team for our (even if I do say so myself) fantabulous event last week. However, upon hearing this, my sister gave me this:

A bunch of flowers to congratulate me. And, they mean so much more than anything else anyone at work could have given me.