Starting Afresh: Take 2

I'm going to be brutally honest - January has been a bit shit for me.

Rather than being excited and enthusiastic about the whole 'fresh start' and 'chance to change my life' like I usually am - I'll admit that it's been a blur of bad choices, upset and a hopelessness that has almost become the norm in my day-to-day life.

And the worst thing is - I have no idea why.

I know that depression is a flaw in chemistry rather than character - but boy is it hard not to blame yourself when you're feeling low, you don't know what's wrong and basically nobody can help.

You can help yourself, that you know - if only you can build up the enthusiasm.

Mentally and physically.

And when you can't it just reinforces the fact that this is all your fault. You are to blame for all your problems. Real, imagined, mentally and physically.

Things have changed to some degree. Despite having quite a good mask, my boss pulled me aside at the beginning of the month and questioned me about how I was feeling. She has a surprising ability to see beyond the image I present to the world. It's both appreciated and bloody annoying.

Being a crier - I cried at work until she forced me to see a doctor.

So I did. And cried some more.

He gave me new pills - yay - and the number of a therapist - yuch!

I don't like this second option for two reasons:

1) The first therapist I had was less than helpful. In fact, I'd go as far as to wonder how on earth she managed to get any kind of qualification to help those in need. Sheesh.

2) I'm an introvert. I. HATE. PHONES.

 

Last but not least in my tale of January is my weight.

As I'm sure I've moaned about before eloquently expressed previously, a couple of years ago I took a course of steroids to control my ulcerative colitis and ended up being a slave to the side effects. I.e. the munchies. Witness me ballooning by 2 stone.

Well, 2 stone turned into 3 and is continuing to creep up due to my sugar addiction and, well, my sheer laziness.

So January was a chance to get my eating under control and getting back to exercising.

February 1st is my first weigh in.

I decided to do a pre-weigh in today (January 31st) to see how I was doing.

The answer to that question was +5lb of not very well.

 

So that's it now - February begins the start of a new phase of my life.

My new mantra is this:

 

So that's me starting afresh - take 2!

Starting Afresh

I love New Year.

I love the possibilities. The chance to start anew and reinvent yourself. To make those dreams a reality and become the person that you’ve always wanted to be.

It’s strange then, that I find it really hard to start things off and get things moving.

Planning is my forte. I absolutely love it.

But then it’s time to start with my grand plans and I get cold feet.

I’m not actually sure why that is but I find it difficult to get the momentum to get things going.

Perhaps I’m afraid that if I begin then I’m accountable for how it goes including potential failure. I’m a perfectionist, after all, and don’t do well when things don’t go perfectly. And yes, I know that’s ridiculous and unrealistic.

But this year will be different. 2016 will be my year; a year of changes, wonder, dreams coming true and ultimately happiness.

And that is my new year’s resolution for 2016: find happiness.

That’s not to say that I won’t have supplementary resolutions but they’ll all be in pursuit of my main goal this year - to be happy.

How I get there is obviously fundamental but for the moment I’m satisfied with my primary resolution is ‘simply’ to be happy.

Happy New Year: The Plan for 2015

Happy New Year!

I love the new year. Not the actual celebration - I’m not a partying kind of gal, you see - but the promise of fresh starts, new chances and a clean slate to reinvent yourself into the person you’ve dreamed (dreamt?) of being. It’s the ultimate Monday start over!

In honour of this, I thought I would write down some small and fun resolutions that I’m hoping to do this year. First I thought I should write down 2014 small resolutions and then I realised:

• That would be ridiculous!
• Who has the time? Or the inclination?
• How long would that blog post actually be?
• If I was going to do that - it should be 2015 resolutions (day 2 and I’ve already forgotten which year we’re on!)
• I would definitely fail miserably at even remembering them all, let alone completing them all!

365 is similarly too many, as is 100, so I’ve settled for 50. Not too many, not too few - just right.

Having had time to think about it, I’ve sensibly cut it down to 15. No sense in being overly ambitious! Or overly stupid! 100 - sheesh!

So here we go with my 15 resolutions:

1. Like what I see in the mirror

2. Commit to doing some things to kick my depression in the bahooky

3. Eat good, tasty, nutritious meals and food

4. Go on at least 5 dates

5. Learn to love myself (it’s the greatest love of all!)

6. Move myself into a shape that I feel good in

7. Grow more of my own veggies

8. Visit more historic houses and gardens

9. Keep my job after November

10. Find a great group of friends

11. Blog more often

12. Get that romance book written

13. Spend more quality time with my family

14. Get another tattoo

15. Sew more of my own clothes

I know, I know - very few of these could be considered SMART objectives. Perhaps that’s why I like New Year’s resolutions so much - they can be as rigid or as airy fairy as you like. And I like me some airy fairy!

Some might say that you cannot truly measure your success if you don’t have specific, measurable goals yet after I've woken up, I see it differently. Why set yourself up to fail at something that is supposed to be a happy way to better yourself? Nah - I’d rather be able to look back at the end of 2015 and rate it as a success. And, by giving myself every chance to succeed - I’m already half way to completing my dreams for this year!

That sounds like a damn fine plan to me!

Now get to it, sister!

A Fresh Start...

It's Monday today and also the last day of my holiday.

I have also decided that it's the last day of my old life and that tomorrow begins a fresh start for me.

I'll admit that this is a vow that I've made on numerous occasions before but, never before in a public setting.

So, this new start has two elements that, as a whole, come back to one goal.

The first element is to be healthy, eat healthily, lose weight and tone up. However, the main thing behind this 'resolution' is to be comfortable in my own skin. I have purchased a bikini as a motivator. I want to be able to wear it (just in my garden but still...) and feel confident with how I look.

Spotty dreams

The second element is to get myself on track. On a personal level, I can't carry on feeling like I have been. I feel doubly bad for how my depression must be, or more accurately, is affecting my parents. I've come so far but I've still got a long way to go and I must keep going. On a professional level, I need to find my purpose in life and start a plan to go out and make it happen. It doesn't matter how fast or slow I go, I just want to know I'm on my way.

These two elements all come back to one thing - one goal: be happy.

Wish me luck.

B x