The Hot Man Conspiracy

I have realised that there is a conspiracy afoot. A really annoying conspiracy that is out to turn me into a bluestocking spinster.

Or at least not let me leave the current bluestocking spinster club of which I am a current member.

Hell, who am I kidding? I'm the bloody president!

Anyway, the story starts off like this...

It was lunchtime and I decided to take a trip to the local supermarket.

I could have walked but it was lashing down with rain and gale force winds were picking up speed I was far too lazy for such things as health and exercise. Bear in mind that I was heading to said supermarket to drool at their Christmas aisle while picking up a sandwich for my lunch - not exactly the actions of one who is particularly concerned about her health. Not right at that precise minute anyway.

I parked up, wondering all the while whether everyone had to submit to a partial lobotomy before entering a supermarket car park or if it was just the woman who stepped into the path of my car, then deciding to look, and then deciding to stop. Still in the path of my car. My moving car. *Sigh*

Into the shop I went, and made a beeline for the Christmas stuff. I stopped at a people snarl only to look right into the oddly shaped hairstyle on the back of one of my colleague's heads. It's distinctive. I guess this would be good time to point out that I am something of an introvert. I can speak to people and if you were to talk to me, you probably wouldn't realise my horror at having to do so. But afterwards, I must run away and hide, all the while running through every. single. nuance of the conversation, facial expressions, outfits and etc that just transpired. It's exhausting!

So it was true to form that I quickly snuck past and headed for the sanctuary of the clothing section. Thus started a conversation in my head that attempted to calculate the destination, route and probable shopping habits of someone who I barely know.

Another aside - does anyone else have this problem with people you barely know? The people I don't know - I can ignore if they ignore me. The people I know well - I'm not scared of. It's those middling people - the people with whom the conversation is awkward even before I've joined in. I'm not a fan of those people.

Anyway, I thought and contemplated and calculated. I took a trip to the back of the store and eyed up all the aisles. Sensing the coast was clear, I headed back down to the Christmas aisle. Who is likely to return to an aisle after they have been there?

I got to the bottom and, horror of horrors, spotted my colleague. And, to make matters worse, she had another colleague with her. Double the trouble, double the awkward. I did a u-turn and found myself aimlessly walking down the baby aisle. I don't have a baby. By the end of the shopping trip I had also found out that I don't have a dog, a drinking problem, a cheese obsession or a need for large quantities of sandwich bags for only £1.

I calculated probable routes once again and determined my next course of action. Heading back to the tills, I arrived at the self checkouts... and bumped straight into my colleagues. How? How does this happen?

"Oh, hello," they said. "Oh, hello," I replied, with a great imitation of someone who hasn't been running round a giant superstore trying to dodge these exact people for the last 20 minutes. I then offered them a carefree laugh that sounded more like a strangled hippo (mahhh hehrrrr rarrrrr) and strode off in the direction of the busy manned tills like a woman on a mission. I waited a good 10 minutes in a queue, all to avoid more banal chit chat and hippo sounds.

After all that, this is my gripe...

The shop is big. There are probably hundreds upon hundreds of folk in said store at any one time. Of all those people, on this occasion, I was trying to avoid just two. Yet, on multiple occasions, despite my planning and strategising, I managed to bump slap bang into them. Dammit.

With so many other people in the store (other than those I was trying to avoid) I will have to assume that at any one time, there also has to be at least one hot, single, delectable man in the store. The law of averages would assume this to be true. Ergo, whenever I am in the store, there should always be a potential husband on the loose.

Do I bump into hot, single men on multiple occasions when I'm shopping? No.

Do I have to worry that I will meet hot, single men so often around the store so that it gets embarrassing? No.

Do I see them so often that I need to plan and strategise in order to keep away from these hoards of sexy, hot men (ooh look, it changed!)? No.

Do I see hot sexy men wherever I go? Well, yes, actually.

Just kidding. No. It's always no.

Despite using the words 'potential husband on the loose' above - I can assure you that I'm not a crazed stalker in jungle khaki walking around stores with a hot, single man sized butterfly net. Because of this, I don't have any reason to think that said men are all hiding from me in the store or out (and having better luck at avoiding people than I seem to do). Please also remember that I wouldn't be able to talk to them (because I'm ignoring them as above) so they have no reason to suspect that I'm a) a babbling idiot who often imitates hippos in conversation and b) a little bit weird in general.

I can therefore only come to one conclusion: there is definitely some sort of conspiracy here.

Until I start to bump into hot men on a more regular basis, I will continue to believe that.

I'm just putting it out there into the universe to let it know that I'm onto it. I know there are games afoot and I am wise to it.

A Happy Place Tuesday

I woke up this morning long after the sun had risen. Actually, it's winter so it wasn't that long after the sun rose which doesn't make me any less lazy but does make me feel better!

There's nothing quite like waking up and knowing that the day is all your own. It's the last day of my holidays so, despite feeling slightly under the weather (damn UC), I was determined to pack as much in as I could before my time is under someone else's rule.

After a fairly lazy rising mixed together with a little panic when I realised that I'd sold something on ebay and needed to package it up for posting, I met my mum and we hit the superstore. While mum went round and actually did her weekly shop, I went round and was transported to childhood as I stared in awe at all the Christmas decorations and scrummy foods. Did I mention that I LOVE Christmas? But more on that in another post... (probably numerous other posts!)

I forgot to mention one fab detail of the day - the weather! It was the first proper frost of the season and the whole world had been doused with silvery glitter. Add to that, the lovely winter sun was out full force which made the glitter sparkle and made me all dreamy for skipping through the park on a crisp morning. However, I just stared at it from my window. Much warmer that way.

Shopping was done. We took my granny to the library where I hadn't been for months and months. In my experience, old ladies like to take their time with certain tasks and excursions. Not my granny. Not today at any rate. I was holding some books to look at to see if I wanted to borrow them when it was suddenly time to go. And when it's time to go, it's time to go. So I rushed away with several books:

1. Super Stretch. Creating a more flexible me in only 1 hour a week - I'm happy with that.
2. Is Gluten Making Me Ill? A doorstop book that I hope to build up the enthusiasm to read. I also might just wait until my Dietitian's appointment at the end of December and ask her!
3. A book about button crafts. I don't know the name of it because I left it with my mum for her to read for the moment.
4. The Waist Line Plan. I was happy with this choice until I finally got around to reading the cover once I was home. The subline of the book is: Beat Middle-Age spread in just 6 weeks.

*Tumbleweed*

Hmmm - maybe not so happy any more but what the hey - I'm only 30 and 18 months so it's obviously just a book that's not for me. Then I turned it over and read the blurb: "Essential reading for anyone over 30..."

*Angry tumbleweed*

30 is middle aged? How to make a girl feel down in one easy sentence!

I'll still read it and probably it will be the most interesting book of all my picks. But then that might be the senility kicking in!

After that, it was a double whammy of happiness as I read some of the new Nora Roberts book (The Dark Witch) and watched an episode of The Pioneer Woman as she cooked her way through chocolate recipes and a chowder.

The characters in Nora Roberts' books never fail to make me happy. I want to be them (even the ones that fight the forces of darkness!) and I want their lives and their relationships. Not to mention their houses, gardens, dogs and etc. It's a happy place. If I had to choose one to be - I want to be Parker from the Bride Quartet. But that's for another post, too!

I've recently discovered that Ree Drummond's kitchen is another happy place. Her family, life, ranch - everything looks so idyllic and I covet. How I covet!

From there it was onto another happy place. Fair enough that any place that serves delicious food must be a happy place! In this case it was Wok and Spice - a Chinese buffet in the next town over. I ate heartily and of things that I know are a little, shall we say dubious, to one with my bowels! But it was goooood.

The afternoon pretty much consisted of a mixture of recovering from lunch and experimenting with a new tear and share bread recipe. I'm thinking of calling it Three Cheese and Roasted Tomato Tear and Share Bread. It's just done the second rise and is about to be popped in the oven. If the recipe works out (and tastes delish) then I'll share it tomorrow!

So what's next for the rest of the day? Well, I have plans to go for a walk with my dad. The sun has now been down for a couple of hours and the frost didn't lift all day. Without the sun, I'm anticipating a bitter cold but it does give me a nice excuse to wear some cute woolly bunnets and scarves and wrap up all snuggly.

Speaking of snuggly, I have more grand plans for this evening. I think, to honour my last day of freedom for a while, I will snuggle up with my cosy trousers (polar bears, no less), a warming cup of tea (in a very apt mug) and Christmas movies. Sounds delightful.

And the perfect end to what has been a really fun time off. But useful too, I have only a few other bits and bobs to go and I'm ready for Christmas!

Not long to go now!

J xx

The next step...

I had another great day off, today.

My mum and I went shopping where she forced me to buy some bargains - and I do love a good bargain. Among others I got a pair of heels for only £3.50. That's only £1.75 a shoe!

After this, we headed to our local Chinese Buffet restaurant to partake in a deliciously sumptuous lunch. There's definitely something about this place that I really enjoy. You go in, sit down, order your drink and then you can immediately start loading your plate. My favourite has to be the chicken balls but I do love that I can try lots of different things without committing to a full meal of only one thing.

As usual, I ate too much but the food was delicious and the company even better.

It was then my turn to force mum to continue with the shopping and we went to a couple of shops up at the other end of town where there was a sale on! Yay!

A few pennies lighter, I came away with some lovely things including a lovely set of 'lounge wear'. I do love casual clothes and even more so when the weather is changing as it currently is with us. Despite the warm weather today, the nights are fair drawing in and you can definitely detect a slight nip that signals the coming autumn. With that change comes all the autumn and winter gear appearing in the shops. While I've yet to see any hats and gloves - I have seen plenty of cosy cardigans, fuzzy boots and big comfy socks.

I enjoyed the sun and the long nights but I do admit that I have a partiality for the chill of autumn and the crispness of winter. All the while being tucked up inside, ideally beside a roaring fire. But more on that another day.

My last task of the day was to take the next step of the new, daring me! I booked my first tattoo!

I've always wanted a tattoo but over the years I've managed to talk myself out of it by thinking too much. With the bravery of my piercings still trickling through me, I bit the bullet and booked myself in for Monday!

Rather than going for what I'd always assumed I would get (a small lion rampant or thistle on my hip), I fell in love with this little heart tattoo on the neck. I just couldn't decide what I wanted on my hip and, as my wise mum told me, if I didn't LOVE the tattoo, I shouldn't get it. So the heart tattoo will be my jumping off point. Starting small - I like that!

Tomorrow I'm attending a course that my psychologist booked me on about dealing with stress. It's not funny, but I'm quite anxious about going. I wonder if that's the first lesson - how not to get stressed when attending a stress course! Honestly!

To be fair, I really have seen an improvement in myself and I'm excited that I'm finally feeling like I might be on the right path. Long may it continue.