#Winning

The other day I saw this pic on Pinterest and something about it just made me happy. And much like I did previously, I started hankering for another piercing or two in my ear.

I then had a nice little dream which, because it was a dream about ear piercing, I used to confirm the fact that it must be fate. (I'm not flighty - I just like to use things to my advantage when I can - however daft!).

Strangely, in a later conversation with my mum, she mentioned that she too had had a dream about getting her ears pierced again. She's got two piercings in each ear. I can't remember when she said she got her first piercings but she got the second set when she was 31. She always promised herself that she would get a third set but had never got round to it and for some reason she was once again thinking about it.

This was obviously fate again. Subtlety was never fate's strong point!

So I forced invited her to come with me on a joint piercing adventure. Woo hoo!

We got to the piercing place and I went up to the desk, all ready to go and asked for my left ear pierced a further two times.

Shop lady: "Not going to happen."
Me: Stamping feet. "But why not?"
Shop lady: "Because we only allow people to have three holes in each ear. Them's the rules."
Me: Pouting. "But that's not fair."
Mum: Elbowing me in the ribs. "Forget her - pierce me, pierce me!"
Shop lady: "Of course. Please come this way."
Me: "No! No! That's not fair! If she goes first then she'll have more piercings than me."
Mum: "Ha ha - sucker! Let's get this thing started!"

I managed to stop my temper tantrum long enough to catch the action.

So with 3 holes in each ear, mum now had 6 piercings to my measly 5.

Something had to be done!

I decided to ring the place where I got my tattoo and see if they did piercings higher than 3.

Yes they did so 2 days later there I was, ready again.

I went through to the piercing room and seconds before the lady started the piercing she decided to tell me that they didn't pierce with a gun - they just used a needle designed for use in horse tranquilising. That won't be a problem, right?

Now, this lady was tattooed, pierced and what-not to some degree. I am not and so I classed myself as somewhat less brave than she. For some reason, known only to myself, I decided that I would try and hide this fact from said lady. I don't think she was fooled for one second when I told her that was fine - please go ahead - I'm not scared!!!

My internal screams were pretty darn loud. At least I think they were internal - I wouldn't have been able to hear them over the pounding of blood in my ears regardless. It felt like, well, someone was stabbing me with a giant needle in order to poke holes in my lugs.

Trauma behind me, I am now back to winning with 7 holes to mum's 6! Yay!

The rivalry will continue, I'm sure. I do hope to get another 2 ear piercings when I have completely forgotten the pain of these last 2 and I'm planning another couple of wee tattoos, too. We'll see what mum decides to do to win the next round! ;)

 

Back in the dating game...

I suppose that this year I have been very selfish in that I'm trying to concentrate on making myself happy. Not that I've been neglecting those that I love - at least I hope not. It's just that day by day I'm trying to take back my life and do so by my own rules, dreams and goals.

Today's thinking may seem a little frivolous to some but part of my goal to be happy includes having a partner to share my life with. Not that I need someone to make me happy - I just want to find someone to be happy with.

I dated minimally in school, just as minimally in University, other than a few fleeting distractions (and disasters!) I have pretty much put my hope into online dating. Not to much success, mind you, but I'm an introvert and don't really enjoy parties, nights out etc etc so this seems like my only option.

After my last round of internet dating I decided (again) that it wasn't for me. But now (again) I'm beginning to waver and wonder whether I should give it another go. As I just mentioned - I don't really have many other options and I'd quite like to not just accept my transformation to the spinster-side of the street will soon be complete.

There's just one problem.

As part of my new way of thinking, I refuse to be anyone but myself (easier said than done but that's for another day). I would rather be alone than with someone who didn't know the real me and didn't accept me - flaws, quirks and all. I don't want any time wasters. I don't want anyone who isn't going to be in something for the long haul (I'm not getting any younger, after all!). And that's not to mention all the superficial/shallow things that I would prefer but wouldn't want to be forced to admit that they would be a deal breaker (tall, older, etc...).

Basically I know what I want and if I went internet dating I wouldn't want to settle for any less.

Do you see what this one problem might be?

Yep - I've become a dating-zilla.

In the beginning I was all optimistic and happy.

Then doubts starting creeping in (along with the weirdos).

And now it's rage-a-holic, scary lady who is just a little bit freaky with what's 'supposed' to be and what's not allowed.

Then I realised - I'm the dating equivalent of Phoebe from Friends when she tries her hand at collecting donations for Christmas.

Oh dear...

Being the main character...

I have felt like crying of late but it's in no way like the crying I did at my lowest point. With no job, I've been busying myself sorting out the material aspects of my life and having fun getting organised. It's been keeping me nice and busy as I take the time to get back to myself and find myself again.

It's strange that every now and again I feel tears threatening.

It bubbles up and I'm somewhat taken aback.

Probably more taken aback in that I'm feeling like crying because I'm happy.

I need to get a job as I don't have the money to continue being a lady of organisation and that is bound to put pressure on me in the very near future. However, the nightmares about my previous work have finally stopped and I find myself singing and thinking thoughts of planting tomatoes, baking and writing.

I'm happy.

It's such a mind-blowing thing. Why didn't I do this earlier?

Luck...

With my last job, I was desperate to be kept on when my contract ended. Not because I was doing my dream job but because it was tolerable and it kept money coming in.

I didn't get what I wanted.

When I saw the quote below, I realised that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all.

 

Happiness is...

It's been a tough week. As I'm determined to see the good in things - I will admit that despite all that has been going on, I have had a little bit of a wake up call as to how my illness (depression rather than UC) must have affected my family.

I have always been grateful of the way that my family have stood with me as I fell to my lows. They have given me advice and, when I didn't want to hear anything, they just held my hand and let me know they were there for me.

This last week, however, I have learned to appreciate them even more and am even more thankful for everything that they have done for me.

So the things that have been keeping me happy this particular week are...

Christmas started in my house with my trusty Christmas desktop and my fab USB lights:

The next bit of Christmassy goodness came when I attended my first Christmas concert of the season. The singing was superb (perhaps not so much the tunes with audience participation!) and I also doubled up by having my first mince pie and mulled wine of 2013. Needless to say, it will also be the last mulled wine I have this year! Mulled wine always seems like something that should taste delicious... but it's howfing. Plus, I haven't had any alcohol since my Snowball (retro 70s - yeah!) last Christmas so even a small glass gave me a good ol' glow!!

 



My tree is up! This is a picture of it in the daytime and everyone knows that Christmas trees are most magical at night so expect another picture soon!

I've also started a new book. Sarah MacLean's 'No Good Duke Goes Unpunished'. It's a historical romance and even though it's not a festive read - it arrived in the post the other day (I pre-ordered it in May in case anyone's reading this and thinks I broke the 'don't buy yourself anything in the run up to Christmas' rule!) and I just had to start reading it right away. The chilly nights, bundled up warm and toasty on the couch covered in a crochet blanket. Add in a cup of tea and book - what could be better?

And, of course, being Christmas, we have to get a cheesy pic of people snogging under the mistletoe! Or under the angel and rudolph headbands at the very least!

It's the little things!

Project: Love Myself

My biggest challenge in life is to accept myself for who I am. Actually, not just accept myself but to love myself.

I have to remember that I don't have to be like other people and also that other people don't have to like me for me to be valuable.

And this is how Project: Love Myself was born.

I am going to make it my goal, going forward, to start to fall in love with myself. At the start of any budding romance, the first thing is to get to know the person that you're hopefully going to fall in love with. As this is an arranged marriage, of sorts, I already know that we are destined to be happy together so I don't have to worry about hopefully turning into definitely.

So, for this to happen I have to set myself a list of 'love' challenges.

Based on nothing more scientific that I think they sound like a good idea, I will do the following:

• Wink at myself in the mirror each morning as if I have an exciting and mysterious secret. This is to make me like myself and become my friend. What are friends without secrets?

• Put links to my Pinterest and Twitter accounts on my blog so that I can force myself not to be ashamed or try and hide who I really am. If I'm happy with myself then why should I care whether other people know the 'real me' or not?

• Stand naked in front of the mirror (when I'm getting dressed or undressed - otherwise it's just weird!) and see my real body. Like what you see. Tell myself that.

• Practise the art of speaking to myself as if I was someone else. You wouldn't tell someone else they were a fat, unlovable waste of space. Or at least I hope you wouldn't!

• Write down lots of random things about myself that I'm 'secretly' proud of. Stop them from being secret just because I think that other people will judge me for them.

•  Don't try to tone down your enthusiasm over things that you like. Even if other people don't like the same things - you do. And that's fine. What fun would it be if we were all the same? To gain extra credit - in conversations, tell people about the things that you like without expecting affirmations.

• If someone gives you a compliment - say thank you! You don't have to tell people that it's a hand me down, cheap or just from the supermarket - you don't owe anyone explanations!

•  If someone doesn't like something you do, own or wear - that doesn't matter. Take criticism in the spirit that it's delivered to you but the underlying thing is, if I like it and feel good with/in it then that's all that matters.

•  Smile - I'm cute when I smile! (That was really difficult to write but well done me!)

•  Remember that nobody's perfect. Everybody has hang ups. Everybody worries. Everybody is real.

Here endith the list.

J x