A review of 2014

Well, since I haven't blogged in a while, and with a new year starting tomorrow, I decided to make my final post of 2014 a bit of reflection on the year just finishing.

And what better way to do this than with a questionnaire? Woo!

2014

1. What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?
I got a puppy!!!


2. If you had to describe your 2014 in 3 words, what would they be?
Exciting.
Challenging.
Calmer.


3. What new things did you discover about yourself?
That I really have a lot more patience than I assumed. I was still ridiculously grumpy about it but I found patience!


4. What single achievement are you most proud of?
While I'm proud of raising my puppy - I'm also proud that I didn't have another breakdown.


5. What was the best news you received?
When the phonecall came offering me the job that suits me to the ground. 


6. What was your favourite place that you visited in 2014?
This is the time in the questionnaire that I realise I can't really remember most of 2014. Not because I was drunk or anything - just because it happened over such a long period of time. Oh - I just remembered that I finally visited the Assembly Rooms in Edinburgh. Gorgeous. 


7. Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?
My stubbornness. Others may disagree. 


8. Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?
My mum. Always. 


9. Which new skills did you learn?
I learned to touch icky things. I'm not looking forward to having kids because apparently you learn to touch even more icky things. Gross. 


10. What, or who, are you most thankful for?
I am most thankful for my parents. Thank God for them. 


11. If someone wrote a book about your life in 2014, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else?
Much as I would have loved it to be a romantic comedy - unless I meet a hunky stranger this afternoon, that's not going to be true. But it did have elements of a montage scene from a romantic comedy movie so I'll go with that. (You know - like when the female lead decides to kick ass and does so to a catchy tune?)

 

The uplifting montage that is my life. Just minus a few things!!

12. What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2014?
Take time to smell the roses. And the grass, weeds, seashells, sea, rocks... 


13. Which mental block(s) did you overcome?
I haven't yet. Bring on 2015. 


14. What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?
It was exhausting but having time at home with Tilly while she was a puppy was brilliant. I also just love spending time in my own wee house and garden. Home is where the heart is. 


15. What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?
I'm going to say apprehensive which is a definite improvement on last year. 


16. Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year?
Got a puppy. (I should really just answer 'puppy' for every single question!)


17. What major goal did you lay the foundations for?
I like to think that I took a major step towards doing some serious writing. 


18. Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?
All of them! But seriously, most of my worries were completely unneccessary. As per usual. *Sigh* 


19. What experience would you love to do all over again?
I'm not sure I would have any desire to do anything all over again. I wouldn't wish bad things on anyone but without them, you can't appreciate what you have or learn from your mistakes.


20. What one thing would you do differently and why?
I would worry less and just enjoy the moments. 


21. What do you deserve a pat on the back for?
Mentally making it through 2014 in one piece. Go me! 


22. What activities made you lose track of time?
Reading, writing and Pinterest. 


23. What did you think about more than anything else?
Finding love, writing a book, making sure my family are safe and happy, getting an income and my Tilly. 


24. What advice would you give your early-2014 self if you could? 
Everything is going to be okay. Just enjoy the moment, go with the flow and don't let the knockbacks get you down. 


25. What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?
I'm going to say (again) that Tilly has had the biggest impact on my life. I'm being completely honest when I say that she has not only changed my life but she has saved it. 

 2015

26. What do you want the overarching theme for your 2015 to be?
Health.


27. What do you want to see, discover, explore?
I want to discover myself and explore who I really am. I want to find my self esteem and self worth. 


28. Who do you want to spend more time with in 2015?
My family, Tilly and hopefully my future husband. 


29. What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?
I want to work on my self esteem. It's not a skill, as such, but it's what I want so badly. I also want to learn to knit (for about the fifth time), crochet and improve my dressmaking and writing skills. 


30. Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?
Confidence, self esteem - whatever you want to call it, I want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel shame or hatred. I want to feel like I deserve to find love and that someone might actually love me for me. 


31. What do you want your everyday life to be like?
Happy, positive, fun and filled with love. 


32. Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?
I want to be healthy in mind and body. I know that it's something that will always be around but I really hope to kick depression in the butt in 2015. I'm hoping that improving my physical health will benefit my depression, anxiety, colitis, self esteem and, of course, the body itself! 


33. What do you want to achieve career-wise?
I want to continue with the job I have. I also want to hopefully make some money with my writing. 


34. How do you want to remember the year 2015 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?
I want 2015 to be the year. I want it to be year that changed my life in all the best ways. Love, health, happiness - I want it all. 


35. What is your number one goal for 2015?
Get some self-worth, girl!


Happy Hogmanay and all the best to everyone for 2015!

Naughty or Nice?

It's nearly time to be thinking about Christmas! Yay!

Things I Think About...

It is no secret that I suffer from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. I don't really know the difference between those two but it definitely sounds more dramatic to be afflicted with both rather than just one or the other.

Anyway, my biggest problem is that I fear that people are judging me, talking about me and laughing at me. Rationally, I know that they don't care it's just I have a debilitating fear of being mocked.

Assuming that other people suffer from this same issue, I wondered if perhaps I am the person that I fear. Do I judge, mock and laugh at other people? Even if they never know it - I needed to know whether I was the reason for my worries. Was I vicious to others like I assumed they were to me?

I decided to find out.

I had occasion to have a couple of hours to kill on my own (or more accurately, with Tilly) in Paisley last week. I decided for the two hours, I would make note of my thoughts regarding myself and other people to see what I could find out.

Had to be told how to open a toilet door in the local dentist (Against nature, it turned to the left rather than the right):  
Do they think I'm some random person from the street? I'm allowed to be here - dunce or no!

On a walk:
I wonder if people think I live here and that I know where I'm going.

Picking up Tilly's deposits:
I wonder if they see I wouldn't leave my dog's dirt on the ground outside their houses. Oh no - older poo! I hope they don't think it's mine. (To clarify - 'mine' meaning Tilly's not 'mine' meaning mine.)

Still on a walk:
Don't look at him. Keep walking. You'll end up on an episode of Crimes that Shook Britain if you look.

Later on my walk:
I wonder if people have realised that I don't live here and that I'm lost.

Yet later:
Just keep walking. If you have to ask someone directions, you have to ask someone. I'm sure they won't think I'm a wally!

Man in shop makes funny comment and I laugh:
Was he flirting with me? 
Oh don't be ridiculous. 
Do you think he thought I thought he was flirting with me? 
Go eat your chocolate and shut up!

In the car, people watching:

That man's wearing joggers. He looks suspicious. I wonder if he's worried because I'm watching him. 
(He grabs at a tree as he walks past a garden) Don't touch that tree sonny boy - it's not yours! 
(He walks out of sight) Could I describe his outfit to Crimewatch if required? Yes, probably.

That man looks like Crocodile Dundee. Cool.

That old lady just said 'Oh Jesus!' really loudly. I'm shocked!

That other old lady has her ear pierced at the top. Nice!

Tilly's getting warm sitting in the sun. I hope she doesn't cook.

There's another man wearing joggers. I wonder if he...wait! Is that a gift bag? What's in it? Who's it for? Where are you going? 
DO NOT GET OUT THE CAR AND ASK HIM!

That man had a dog a minute ago. Where did it go?


And just like that, the two hours were up. It may not have seemed like many thoughts in a two hour period but I was lost on the walk for a fair amount of time and the worry about asking for directions was repeated many a time until I found my way.

So, what did I learn from this experiment?

1. I am slightly strange.
2. I should stop watching crime programmes.
3. I definitely worry about what people think of me. Most of the time for no good reason.
4. I barely have time to think nasty thoughts of others that I assume they think of me because I'm too worried about myself (and crime, apparently!). I suspect everyone is the same.
5. Don't go walking in strange places without a map.

Moral of the tale is not to worry about what people think of you because they probably aren't.

Well, ow! (Or a lesson in why a simple task may go ridiculously wrong!)

Let's set the scene:

Last night I was having a rough time of it with my UC. I don't really like to be around people when I'm feeling so shitty (no pun intended but funny and apt all the same!) but I have to take Tilly for a walk and thought I could cope. Possibly a mistake but that's neither here nor there for my story.

This evening, feeling infinitely better, myself, Tilly and my Dad went on a walk in our local park. The weather had been a mix of glorious sunshine and downpours all day meaning that Tilly hadn't been out for any exercise and was feeling a bit, well, excited! I was also excited about how much better I felt and that I had no ailments this eve.

We set off across the grass and into the woods, Dad and I keeping a sedate pace while Tilly darted around and possibly broke the sound barrier on many an occasion.

We got to the path to the beach and Tilly disappeared into the scrub trying to chase the bugs, squirrels, birds, deer, pterodactyls...

And then we came upon a stunning sight of the sea, as clear as glass yet mottled by the near setting sun blinking through the trees. Then, to give it a tiny bit of something more, a rainbow appeared on the land at the horizon.

Dad: Oh! Would you look at that view? I wonder if I could take a picture? *Starts fiddling with his phone.*

Tilly: *Bounding from the undergrowth* Look at me! Look at me! I found some giant pieces of spiky plant seed that are now stuck to my legs! Wait - I don't like them! Get them off! Get them off!

Me: Silly Tilly. Come and I'll get them off for you! *Picks them from her legs and notices a wasp in her tail.* Oooh, oooh, Dad, help!

Dad: *Mumbling* Pretty view. Cameras. Golf. iPhones. Jaffa Cakes.

Me: Help me!!

Dad: Oh! Sorry, I wasn't listening. Did you see the lovely... no, right - what can I do?

Me: Could you take that stick and try to flick the wasp from her tail while I hold her still, please? *Indicates stick to be used*

Dad: Ready? Steady? Go! *Flicks stick at Tilly's tail with an enthusiasm that was inappropriate to the situation.*

That's when time slowed down. I should have known something was up when everything started moving suspiciously like it was moving through treacle.

So, let's slow our story down too, for a quick lesson in sense. If you are flicking something off something else, where do you direct the flicking thing?

That's right - away from anything or anyone else!

Dad flicked the wasp right onto my leg.

Did I mention that I wear cut off joggers for walking in the summer? Because I do. A fact that Dad knows good and well.

Me: *Loud high pitched scream* It's on my leg, it's on my leg!

Wasp: Ha ha! Bare legs. *Stings*

Me: *Jumping around like a moron* It got me! It got me! I'm stung! Tell everyone I love them...

Dad: Cyclist coming.

Cyclist: *Whizzes down the hill while we all pretend that we're normal people in normal situations.*

Cyclist disappears.

Me: Owwwwwwww!

Dad: *Sheepishly/Grumpily* I didn't mean to flick it on your leg.

Me: *Very grumpily* That's neither here nor there. I must get to the sea. *Hobbles off towards the sea to wash my leg in salt water.*

After washing my leg in the sea, I hobbled back up the beach to where Dad was standing looking out to sea all Captain Sparrow like.

Dad: It is beautiful out there, isn't it?

Me: *Evil glare*

We walk back up the beach. Oh wait, Dad walks while I limp. Tilly bounds after some ravens.

Dad: Perhaps I just hit you with the stick? Or flicked you with my finger?

Me: *Unsubtle glare* Excuse me?

Dad: I mean, perhaps it wasn't the wasp. Perhaps it's just a scratch from the stick. *The poor thing doesn't even see the dangerous path down which he walks.*

Me: *Turning into the hulk* I can tell you by the pain that I. Have. Been. Stung.

Dad: Hmmmm.

Me: This is my first wasp sting - if I die, I'm coming back to haunt you! *Stomps hops away*

The walk continued and I managed to make it to the park gates without much pain (although I did keep getting sharp stabbing pain every now and then - should I be worried?).

As we reached the gates this happened:

Dad: Perhaps you did get stung - it does look quite red.

Me: Oh good - thank you! I'm sorry that my pain wasn't enough proof for you! *I don't even need to point out that this was sarcasm!*

Dad: Wasps can just land on you without stinging you, you know. *Nods sagely*

Me: *Through gritted teeth* Really?


So here I sit, my leg/ankle thing a little bit swollen, feeling a bit crap and about to go and put wasp stings into WebMD. If you don't hear from me for a while, I have fashioned a leg amputation device using flint and dods of wood and am now in the hospital. Whether that's the normal hospital or a mental health facility remains to be seen.

Lest we forget...

Last night it was 100 years since the start of World War 1.

In remembrance, The British Legion asked people to switch off their lights, leaving only a candle burning between the hours of 10pm and 11pm.

Then, at 11pm, the time when war was declared, the candles were blown out...

“The lamps are going out all over Europe, we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.”

 Sir Edward Grey

I am so glad that I showed my respect in this way. It was a strangely peaceful evening with just a candle for light.

But when you thought of what people were going through 100 years ago, it was so very sad. As I took my candle through to my bedroom and tucked myself into bed, I realised I was lucky that when I woke up in the morning things would be the same. 100 years ago, life was never going to be the same ever again.

 

The best laid plans…

Why do I suspect that this may not be the first time that I have used this title in a blog post? And possibly will not be the last?

So, as per my great and grand plans, I was breaking down my life into small, manageable chunks and tackling them one by one.

Great plan.

Simple and fabulous.

And while I still stand by that, life has a fun way of saying ‘ha-ha - think you’re in charge? Think again!’

I have been out of traditional employment since the beginning of the year. At first it was to get better after a flare and then it became more about re-prioritising my life, raising my new puppy and enjoying my simple life.

But as the money in my savings account started to dwindle away, stress-head Jo started to rear her ugly head and started to say things to make me panic. Things like ‘chocolate and books cost money’ and ‘I suppose you also need to eat more than just chocolate. Unfortunately’.

Reluctantly, I listened to her and started looking for jobs. Ever one to be just a little bit rebellious (but just enough rebellious that I still follow the rules - wouldn’t want to get in trouble after all!!) I decided to go hunting for a part-time position.

A couple of applications later and I had an interview. I was excited - mainly because I want money and a husband and both are more likely to be found out and about than in my house. Sadly enough. And I should know - I’ve looked. There are neither a six foot hunk nor a pile of lolly stashed under my bed.

The particular interview was set for 8.45am to 2.15pm. I know - right! I mean sheesh! Part of me wondered whether they didn’t have any staff at all and just made their interviewees undertake the work required. But anyway…

Then came the stress. Now, I don’t know about anyone else with Ulcerative Colitis but this is the bit that gets me; I could meditate until the cows came home but I just can’t control the fact that I get stressed and that the stress has really horrible consequences for my body. I don’t actually even realise it’s happening which makes it nigh on impossible to do anything about it. Even if I could.

It started a few days before my interview. The bleeding, the pain, the nausea, the decision to live in the toilet for a while, the worry and the fear. No matter how many times it happens, there’s a moment when you realise it’s happening once again and all you can do is sit there and let the tears come. As this is usually happening while on the, erm, privy, my forehead has become used to placing itself on the edge of the sink. It really is like slamming into a brick wall when you’ve been happily moving along the street, minding your own business.

Back to the interview - it went well enough. The task, the competency based interview and the role-playing exercise (ick - shouldn’t these kind of things be banned for introverts?) were fine even if I did pause mid interview to point out the canal boat that was sailing past the window behind the interviewers. Well - I thought it was important!!

Sadly, the job was not for me and despite my mature attitude now, I was sad and a little angry. Not that I didn’t get the job but that my body was ripping apart internally and I felt the pain of it with every movement - and it was not even worth it.

That’s when the depression reared it’s ugly head and dragged me down. I was too weak to fight it. I could barely eat and I felt like hell and I was ripe for the plucking of the evil depression.

And then I realised - why the hell do I put myself through this? I have always said that I’m not cut out for the corporate world. I’m the girl that notices the canal boat rather than the bottom line.

Why do I constantly try and mould myself into something I’m clearly not? My body knows it. My heart knows it. When will my mind catch up?

Now.

Now - I’m catching up.

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.

I have to do something.

So, buh-bye plans of a hot body (for the moment anyway). My first priority is to sort out how I am going to be able to maintain my life without selling my soul to the corporate world.

It’s not going to be easy but at least I’ll have my health.

Since all I want is to be happy - I think this is a damn fine first step.

Remembering Rosie