What's love got to do with it?

I know I'm not the most consistent when it comes to blogging but I do have to admit that this particular entry has been in progress for about two weeks now. Actually, that's a lie; it's more like 8 weeks!

The reason for the time that I've spent pondering over this is simply because I couldn't find a way to get what I wanted to say into words. I have now come to the conclusion that I will just start to write and hope that the words rearrange themselves into an order that both makes sense and articulates what I want them to.

So - here we go...

Of late I have been feeling a little bit, well, restless is the only way I can really describe it. To be honest, I've been questioning the existence of love. This query is answered rather quickly as I have seen others in love and I happen to believe that all the stories, films, poems and songs must come from someone's experiences.

I'm just beginning to wonder, then, if maybe it's just not for me.

For several months now, 6 to be exact, I have been enrolled with an online dating site. It's not the first time that I have delved into the mysterious world that is online dating but it is definitely the first time that I have stuck it out for such a long period of time.

The reason for this is that online dating is not for the faint of heart or for those lacking in self esteem. It's one thing to not be asked on any dates in real life but somewhere that people are paying their hard earned cash to find dates - that's a little upsetting. Even with my depression under control and my new coping strategies, it really does dent your confidence when you put yourself out there and are summarily rejected.

Don't get me wrong - I've chatted to some people, met some people and the like, but choosing whether you like someone by a checklist of their attributes doesn't seem romantic enough for me, and there just isn't any spark there. The longer it's gone on, I'm finding it more and more of a chore. Should it be fun? I don't really relish the idea that I would tell any future children that not only did I choose their father from a set of criteria, I also had to force myself to reply to messages and actually had a ticklist going of when I had last contacted them and when I had to do so again. It's been making it more like a task than the prospect of finding love.

I have decided it's not for me.

You may think this decision has been an easy one but it really has not. People have tried to reassure me that perhaps I will find someone in the last few weeks before my subscription ends. But that will not happen - it's not a person I want - it's love.

I know that people have found love and had families at an older age than I am now. I just have to realistically look at my past history and realise that perhaps it's not in the cards for me. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this.

I'm 31 years old. Practically everyone I know is married, getting married, having kids or has a significant other. Then there's me.

All I want is love. The kind of love you read about. The kind of love that you see in movies. The kind of boring, run of the mill love that will make someone accept me for who I am. That kind of love that makes your heart race, your stomach lurch and you feel both excited and antsy while being calm and contented all at the same time. It's a feeling I fear I will never experience.

I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know if I'll get my heart's desire. But the decision I've made about online dating is about so much more. It's a decision that I'm going to have to get on with my life and not pin all my hopes and dreams on finding my soul mate. It's liberating while at the same time being very upsetting.

I've got to get out there and do things that I would have preferred to do with someone else. I can't put my life on hold because perhaps my dream guy has been waylaid. We all know that men are rubbish at asking for directions.

I also have to stop trying to change myself to make myself potentially more attractive to the opposite sex. Telling myself that if I was a little prettier, or a little thinner, or a little more exciting, that I might someone is really not doing anything for my mental health.

I guess I could settle but is it wrong to want it all? To want that spark? I guess I'd rather be alone but I have to say that it's getting really lonely that way.

This has been a really heart wrenching post and I have to admit that I haven't cried quite as much in a long time. To try and end on a positive note and cheer myself up, I will now list the five things that I appreciate most about being single.

The end.