Saturday, 23 August 2014

Things I Think About...

It is no secret that I suffer from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. I don't really know the difference between those two but it definitely sounds more dramatic to be afflicted with both rather than just one or the other.

Anyway, my biggest problem is that I fear that people are judging me, talking about me and laughing at me. Rationally, I know that they don't care it's just I have a debilitating fear of being mocked.

Assuming that other people suffer from this same issue, I wondered if perhaps I am the person that I fear. Do I judge, mock and laugh at other people? Even if they never know it - I needed to know whether I was the reason for my worries. Was I vicious to others like I assumed they were to me?

I decided to find out.

I had occasion to have a couple of hours to kill on my own (or more accurately, with Tilly) in Paisley last week. I decided for the two hours, I would make note of my thoughts regarding myself and other people to see what I could find out.

Had to be told how to open a toilet door in the local dentist (Against nature, it turned to the left rather than the right):  
Do they think I'm some random person from the street? I'm allowed to be here - dunce or no!

On a walk:
I wonder if people think I live here and that I know where I'm going.

Picking up Tilly's deposits:
I wonder if they see I wouldn't leave my dog's dirt on the ground outside their houses. Oh no - older poo! I hope they don't think it's mine. (To clarify - 'mine' meaning Tilly's not 'mine' meaning mine.)

Still on a walk:
Don't look at him. Keep walking. You'll end up on an episode of Crimes that Shook Britain if you look.

Later on my walk:
I wonder if people have realised that I don't live here and that I'm lost.

Yet later:
Just keep walking. If you have to ask someone directions, you have to ask someone. I'm sure they won't think I'm a wally!

Man in shop makes funny comment and I laugh:
Was he flirting with me? 
Oh don't be ridiculous. 
Do you think he thought I thought he was flirting with me? 
Go eat your chocolate and shut up!

In the car, people watching:

That man's wearing joggers. He looks suspicious. I wonder if he's worried because I'm watching him. 
(He grabs at a tree as he walks past a garden) Don't touch that tree sonny boy - it's not yours! 
(He walks out of sight) Could I describe his outfit to Crimewatch if required? Yes, probably.

That man looks like Crocodile Dundee. Cool.

That old lady just said 'Oh Jesus!' really loudly. I'm shocked!

That other old lady has her ear pierced at the top. Nice!

Tilly's getting warm sitting in the sun. I hope she doesn't cook.

There's another man wearing joggers. I wonder if he...wait! Is that a gift bag? What's in it? Who's it for? Where are you going? 

That man had a dog a minute ago. Where did it go?

And just like that, the two hours were up. It may not have seemed like many thoughts in a two hour period but I was lost on the walk for a fair amount of time and the worry about asking for directions was repeated many a time until I found my way.

So, what did I learn from this experiment?

1. I am slightly strange.
2. I should stop watching crime programmes.
3. I definitely worry about what people think of me. Most of the time for no good reason.
4. I barely have time to think nasty thoughts of others that I assume they think of me because I'm too worried about myself (and crime, apparently!). I suspect everyone is the same.
5. Don't go walking in strange places without a map.

Moral of the tale is not to worry about what people think of you because they probably aren't.


  1. I'm so glad that you clarified that it was Tilly's poo you were picking up. I mean, you do have UC after all! :oD

  2. Ha ha ha! It's a sad day when you have to clarify whose poo you're picking up! I should make my own range of little pooh bags with the slogan 'I have UC but this isn't my poo!'. A very niche market, me thinks! :D


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