I can feel it happening...

It's hard to describe how I've been feeling of late. I suppose you never really realise how far you've come until you actually stop and take stock. Or, in my case, when you feel like the path you are travelling has suddenly turned into an escalator and you're walking up the down side.

I have this panic - I look back and see where I've been and I really don't want to go there again. It's so far down yet so close. But the escalator is speeding up and I need to walk twice as fast just to stay in the same place. But I'm getting exhausted and I don't have the energy to keep going. So I sit down and slip slowly back down the escalator until I have gathered up enough energy to walk again. Yet the tired moments are coming thick and fast and after each burst of walking I'm still finding myself a little bit further back than I started.

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be depressed.

I don't want to be in constant fear of the swirling vortex of darkness that's at the bottom of the escalator.

The sad thing is that I thought I was getting better. I have been getting better. Compared to this time last year I am doing much better. But now I know what it's like to be mired in feelings of utter despair, the fear of returning is added into the mix of feelings I'm experiencing.

I'm depressed.

That doesn't mean I'm sad and it doesn't mean that I'm grumpy. If I could 'cheer up' I would - believe me. I wish I could 'cheer up'. I wish that I didn't keep coming back to this place. This lonely, all-consuming place that I hate.

As it is, I'm on that escalator and can't get off and can't stop.

J x